It Doesn’t Count as Losing Your Virginity Unless You Did It While Listening to Sweet Escape by Gwen Stefani Featuring Akon

by Charlie Bardey

You probably remember it like it was yesterday. You probably think about it every day. You probably spend every second of every day thinking about it. You probably are literally incapable of thinking about anything else. That’s right—I’m talking about the magical moment you lost your virginity.

It happens for each of us at a different time and in a different way. For some of us, it’s an elaborately planned affair: rose petals, candles—the works. For others of us, it happens when we least expect it, but is still really amazing: with Gavin in the captain’s room of your father’s boat and he’s wearing his St. James sailor shirt and when he takes it off you catch a glimpse of his gorgeous clavicle… And then, some of us are still waiting to lose the stigmatic associations of childhood and break into that beautiful world of adult romance. Those people will probably lose it at some point, and there’s nothing wrong with them—they just haven’t found the right person yet! Not me, though. I’ve had sex, and lots of it. In all sorts of ways. Standing up, sitting down… You name it, I’ve had it. Still, the first time is a unique experience. The kind of memory that you’ll hold onto forever, for better or worse. Right?

Well, sorry to burst your bubble, sex fiends, but newsflash: it doesn’t actually count as losing your virginity unless you did it while listening to the beginning of “Sweet Escape” by Gwen Stefani where Akon is going “WOOhoo YEEhoo.” Unless you got down and dirty while listening to the seminal 2006 hit, you are for all intents and purposes in the same boat as an eleven-year-old Jewish boy: not yet in the realm of adulthood, definitely inexperienced, and probably hairless.

This isn’t all bad news—sure, you’re still liable to be used as a blood sacrifice at any given moment, but it also means that any children you’ve already had will have a good fun fact (that they were immaculately conceived) for the first day of classes for the rest of their life. You win some, you lose some.

You may be wondering: “But if I wasn’t losing my v-card, what was I even doing?” The same thing you did in Ms. Thomson’s 3’s class with Kara in the bathroom during blocks time: something that seemed a lot like sex, that definitely felt good, but that definitely, unequivocally does not count. Ms. Thomson would agree on both counts.

Although this news might sadden you, please try to see the silver lining: now, when the time comes for you to first experience the real joys of sexual intimacy, it will happen just as it was meant to be: you, your lover, and Akon’s piercing falsetto. Just as God intended.

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